


disinfect my heart

by day



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Angst, Cutting, Hurt Stiles, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, POV Derek Hale, Scent Marking, Scents & Smells, Self Harm, derek really just loves stiles okay and he wants him to be happy and smell good
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-14
Updated: 2013-05-14
Packaged: 2017-12-11 20:37:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/803002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/day/pseuds/day
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stiles' default scent is disinfectant. No one knows why.</p>
            </blockquote>





	disinfect my heart

**Author's Note:**

> trigger warning: mentions of self harm but nothing too graphic

Stiles' default smell is disinfectant. No one knows why.

 

Danny brings it up one day, a week or two after he accepted the bite, when Stiles passes through to grab his books and return home. “Why does Stilinski smell like that?”

 

It's an innocent question, simple, but it makes them stop in their tracks because no one has ever pointed it out before. Everyone has different scents, something that goes beyond temporary, scents that are ingrained and unique to each person. Scott smells of lemon grass and tea and Isaac smells of peppermint and wheat, Lydia smells of strawberries and ginger, but Stiles- Derek can't smell anything passed the scent of disinfectant and rubbing alcohol and it makes his wolf antsy.

 

Erica proposes they stalk Stiles to find out why his scent is that way. Jackson snorts and comments something along the lines of Stiles being weird enough to probably bathe in it or drink it. Scott punches him in the arm. No one thinks anything of it, they soon forget. Derek doesn't.

 

Stiles doesn't clean. He's not dirty, but he doesn't clean either, definitely not enough to warrant the scent of disinfectant that clings to every inch of his pale skin. Derek doesn't understand, tries to think of a time when Stiles' didn't smell that way. He always smelled strong, it made Derek's nose twitch almost unpleasantly because the scent couldn't be natural, but Derek never figured out why.

 

Derek watches Stiles closely, makes a habit of burying his face into the boys neck whenever they meet to smell him for any changes. It never changes and Stiles eventually stops squirming and leans into the touch.

 

Derek finds himself closing in on Stiles' space, not for smelling, but for scent marking. It's weird and the pack always gives him funny looks, but eventually they start doing it too just because. Derek does it because he really wants Stiles to smell natural, and less like a hospital, and maybe he wants Stiles to start smelling like him.

 

When he stops scent marking deliberately, Derek finds himself just wanting to be close to the teen. He wants to touch him and hold him and just be with him, and it doesn't freak him out as much as it should. Stiles is very conceding and he responds to it willingly because it doesn't freak him out, either.

 

They kiss, eventually. Stiles initiates it when Derek is staring at Stiles and wondering about nothing and everything. He leans up and places a quick kiss to Derek's lips and then starts nervously blabbering and Derek kisses him again just to shut him up. They kiss a lot after that, and the pack pretends to be disgusted but Derek can smell the acceptance and happiness radiating from them.

 

Derek spends to much time not focusing on Stiles' scent that when it changes, it's a kick to the gut. He calls Stiles in for an emergency and Stiles gets there in record time, panting hard and in his pajamas, and they defeat the monster of the day, and when Derek is cuddled up into Stiles' side he realizes that Stiles' scent is different. He presses his nose into the curve of Stiles' shoulder and inhales deeply, completely without subtlety, before rearing back in confusion. Stiles smells like disinfectant and copper.

 

He tries to forget about it, but it doesn't work because it starts happening regularly. Derek has to call in Stiles without prior notice, Stiles has to rush over, and Derek would realize Stiles smells different. Then he realizes that maybe Stiles is purposely making himself smell that way, and when Derek calls him out of the blue, he doesn't have time to cover up properly.

 

Derek decides to make a surprise visit, a test to see if the tang of copper will be there, and it is. It's there in abundance and Derek nearly slits his palms open with his nails. “Stiles.” It's nothing but a broken croak and Stiles snaps his head up from where he's carving into his own skin with a scalpel, his eyes wide in shock.

 

Stiles tries to cover up but Derek has his wrist in an iron grip and he's staring at Stiles clad in his boxers and he realizes he's never seen Stiles with less than two layers on and it hits him like a freight train and Derek is wrecked. There are pale healed scars all over his body, parallel and neat white lines running from the top of his ribs down to his jutting hips. There are more on his inner thighs and ankles and it's all so precise, so neat, so perfectly healed, and that's what hurts the most. Because Stiles was so good at hiding it, so good at healing it, that no one ever noticed passed the smell of disinfectant.

 

“I'm sorry.” Stiles mumbles into Derek's chest and Derek just holds him closer, arms trembling and body convulsing because he didn't even realize. Somehow it ends up with Stiles cradling Derek because Derek is crying so hard (for both of them because Stiles doesn't even seem fazed). Derek clings to Stiles' waist, burying his face into Stiles stomach and trying to smell passed the blood and disinfectant and rubbing alcohol, and he can't and _it hurts_.

 

“Please don't.” Derek whispers, clutching and clawing and begging as if he's not an Alpha werewolf, but a scared child who just caught their parents at each others throats. He feels like a boyfriend who just found out that the person he loved has been hurting himself for so long, and no one ever noticed. “I'm so sorry, Stiles.” He repeats this, once, twice, probably for another third and fourth, but Derek doesn't know or care because he just wants Stiles to feel better.

 

“It's not your fault.” Stiles says gently, “It's just something I do.”

 

This makes Derek see red, because no, it's not. Something you do is drawing or writing or reading. Something you do is a hobby, something miniscule, something that doesn't really matter but you do it anyway because you can. Cutting into your own skin and healing over and over again isn't something you do, it's something that controls you.

 

Stiles doesn't understand that this is a problem and Derek doesn't understand how he could not, but neither can see from the others perspective because they only know how to look from their own eyes. Derek ends up patching Stiles up with feather gentle fingers, he ends up licking at the lines along Stiles' torso, he ends up kissing ever inch of skin as if it would make the smell of wrong go away. He fucks Stiles gently into the mattress, despite Stiles' protests of being able to take it, because that only makes him want to be gentler. He wants to take care of Stiles and show him gentleness and kindness and love, because Stiles doesn't show it to himself.

 

Stiles ends up crying after, when they're both blissed out and Derek's lips are pressed permanently into his neck, he starts crying because he doesn't think he can take being treated gently, he doesn't think he'll be able to stop hurting himself. He wants to make Derek happy, but he doesn't know how.

 

Derek shakes his head, gripping Stiles into his chest and curling protectively around him and he starts murmuring that he doesn't want Stiles to make him happy, that he just wants _Stiles_ to be happy. Stiles laughs and jokes about Derek being a secret romantic who loves cliches and Derek doesn't argue because it might be true.

 

Stiles doesn't stop and Derek never pressures him too, because he knows it will do nothing. He takes Stiles to see a professional, holds his hand when Stiles starts panicking because his problem is becoming real, kisses the scars that weren't there the last time they made love.

 

One day, the scent of disinfectant will fade. Derek will curl around Stiles and trail his fingers along his ribs, feeling the slightly raised bumps and kissing a tattoo along the nape of Stiles' neck. He'll lean in and nip playfully at Stiles ear and he'll laugh when Stiles groans in his sleep and swats him away. Derek will hold Stiles' closer and press his nose into the juncture of his neck and shoulder and he'll take in the scent of coffee and cinnamon and happiness and the smell of disinfectant will be nothing but a far away memory.

**Author's Note:**

> never listen to bastille while writing, it's bound to become depressing.


End file.
